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dear daddy,
i feel its time to tell you somethings about myself. i almost think it would be easier on the
phone, so i can hear you and talk about it at a pace we both follow, and so you can ask lots of
questions, b/c i think you will have some. but we'll see how this goes... i will be a very lucky
person if you can come to accept & even understand a little of this about me. and i want you to.
this may be something that very may well change our relationship and in a way you may think is
odd, but i might be very happy if all comes around o.k. and if nothing else, know that i have
gotten to the point with you where i not only want to share this, but feel like i can in a little
hopeful way. So, you can tell this is abig deal, huh? Perhaps something SHROUDED with stigma and
misunderstanding. Well, deep breath: (This is all process for me, how i view living as an
everchanging creative process, and i am at a different place now than i was in december & even
february & even tomorrow-):
For the past couple of years i have been studying gender & my experiences of gender, playing
gender and being gendered by other people. i have remembered my first alliance with the phenomenon
of 'gender benders' in the 80's when i was in 6th grade. i didn't really know what it all meant or
what to do, but i remember knowing i was a gendr bender. Anyway, i'll skip some of my history that
i've woven together in light of gender experience and theories, but its there and however
distantly informs my life and choices. Well, anyway, i've come to know myself as a Transgender
person. (There are probly several trangendersupport groups with resources and info in austin,
there aren't here) This has been a huge thing for me & is something i've wanted to tell you
frankly about for a while. An identity that in claiming, i have come to better understand myself
and relatings to people. i have been able to experience myself with liberation and validity how i
do and want to experience myself. And how i do experience myself does not match up with the binary
gender i have been taught to integrate myself into- not the girl spectrum. Sometimes, rather
unexplainably, daddy, i have felt and do feel like a guy. i'm more comfortable with this outlook
of myself. So i have been exploring transgender space. Letting myself shed more & more of the
confusing girl personas i have tried to be, & accepting myself as someone who gets off being a guy
and not a woman. i wonder what you think thus far. Socially the consequences of me taking this
seriously have been often difficult, but nonetheless, what i want to do. i have been introduced to
peoplewho create spaces where one can be who they want and juxtapose very different expressions,
desires, & selves in whatever way they want to. That openness & exploration is something i want to
live out. i do not believe transgenderism and transsexuality to be anything bad or signs of
illness ( no more so than any other identity in these times would be!) This has been a large part
of my life, being trans identified, and yet its something that at age 23, i have not been able to
share with family. So, no, i haven't even told my mom ( i want to though) which gets weird since
we live in the same city, & i'm sure she notices my changing appearance, & even that my friends
call me the masculine version of my birth name. Something so unconventional & shrouded in myth as
changing genders and/or sexes is not something i feel brave enough to discuss with the potentially
unaccepting family just yet.
So, yeah, this is big news in some ways. And i hope, if you need to, you will take a breath and
know that i will answer your questions about this, b/c i want to & i know this is an often
confusing and confused topic. Suprisingly i've never asked you," so Pops, what's your take on
gender? you ever thought much about it? gender roles? gender variant people?" Perhaps this is
something we can discuss. i want to tell you details about how accepting gender variance with
myself has changed my life, social interactions, self-esteem, desire to live, etc. i thinktelling
you these things would give you more of a real sense of what this is like and what i am like. I
don not want you to feel i have decieved you by not talking to you about this sooner, because that
is not the case. Coming out processess are slow and challenging, and i have had to come out to and
for myself on many different levels. i had to gain confidence and self-assurance. i hope that you
do not feel decieved. & understand that it is hard for me to hold my life back from you & that is
not something i want to do. Regardless at this point if mass hysteria and confusion may ensue. i
think we are both very open with each other & this is something i deeply appreciate. So, Daddy,
there is much for us to talk about, perhaps on the phone (that would be o.k. with me)- do you
think i should make a trip to Austin to see you? that is a possibility in july. The body issues
that i hinted about having on the phone have to do with this aspect of myself. i wanted to explain
it to you then, but i was a little nervous.
So this , Daddy, is the letter i told you i've been working on, among a few other things- my
houses most recent Zine & some info about the job i've loved. i hope you know i love you and am
anxiously waiting to hear from you.
Love, shawn
p.s. i have wanted to change my name for a long time, & have temporarily taken up "shawn" as
something easy for my friends to call me since almost all of them knew me as "shawna". however, i
like "shawn" less than "shawna", i'll probably chachange it to something else as soon as i can. i
have a name in mind i really like, and have liked since i was 4. but i'm waiting to use it until i
can get it changed legally. i have been going by "shawn" since the end of this winter. (except at
work, where i can't be 'out') well, daddy, hope to talk to you soon.
p.s. again- Being trans is a liitle different than being gay or lasbian. i am not a lesbian. well,
its actually difficult for me to say just what my "sexuality" is. i like all kinds of people. This
is something we can talk about more. xoxx |